Get Fat, Stay Fat, Rule Fat


I hope you didn’t fall into the well of bad resolutions this year. I hope you didn’t resolve to do the one thing you aren’t going to do nor should you even care to.  I hope you didn’t cry out to the heavens that you were going to lose weight this year. None. Zero. Not even an ounce.

Fat is power. Fat is dominance. Fat is patriotism. The very fat you carry on your hips is the reason this country is great, was already great and will forever be great. This country was built on the gluttony of resources and thought.  This country wasn’t built on the back of the emaciated thinkers. But we, you, are under attack.

Popular thought in media and medical science is that you should be thin, thinn-er or at least within the realms of what the establishment deems a “healthy” weight. a “healthy” weight? Who are these snowflakes to determine such a term as “health”? Health is what we epitomize. Do not forget that an enlarged pannus hiding one’s penus meant that you could afford such indulgences as milk, meat and mead. Now, what is deemed “healthy” is to take those monetary resources and spend it on overpriced blades of grass. Do not be fooled. What the liberal media considers “health” is a bastardization of the term.

Let us remind the citizenry of this country who is in charge. Allow me to bring back to earth the cross-fitting, water-chugging lettuce-munchers. Truth is, 68.5% of American adults are either overweight and obese. You know what that makes us? The majority and a powerful one in that. Do you know who makes the rules in a country that favors numbers? Us. The thick-hipped majority.  It is the majority, my portly friends, that gets things done. We get leaders elected, legislation passed, and controls the direction of this fine United States.  Our grand scale ideas are what built this country. We created double and triple cheeseburgers not for the rotundness of our thighs but for the American Dream. We chased the gluttony of the American Spirit and we bit in hard and to ask us not to enjoy the fruits (never vegetables) of our labor is to undermine the idea that separated us from the British, Communists and Vegans.

Some of this greatest minds this country has ever known were just like you and me. A wise and heavyset man once said, “Speak softly and carry a big stick”. His name is William Taft and he led this nation from it’s highest office with dignity and he was a great big fat person. He may have once gotten stuck in his bathtub but that doesn’t make him less great in fact, I’d argue that makes him even more great. Another great heavyweight discovered electricity. You may have heard of him and if you haven’t already spent it in the drive-thru, check the $100 bill in your sweatpants stuck to the loose chicken nugget from yesterday. It’s Benjamin, I’m the reason you can read this, Franklin. Yup, total chubber. Let’s also not forget a man who was once on the vanguard of space exploration. A truly great man who saw history where nothing was. A decade before JFK declared this country would land a man on the moon, he wanted nothing more than to see his wife be first in the space race. Jackie Gleason was a hero.

The limp-legged minority got their yogurt-scooping hands into our media and now want to dictate policy away from you. They want to preach their gospel of tae-bo, hot yoga and P90X. They want to remove us from the perch we have climbed by saying we will live longer and even happier if we buy into their green religion, but they don’t look happier at all. Their religion is a falsified cult and we should remember one thing: when we hear you yell kale too much, we stop listening.

We are not part of the ever-expanding fabric of America, we are the fabric. Realize the power you wield. When the underhanded “disenfranchised skinny” sets to regulate Mega Super Gulp sodas out of our children’s schools, guess what you can do? Super size it.  You can pry this 72 oz. refillable gas station go-cup from our cold dead sausage-fingered hands! The elitist asparagus consumer wants us to lose weight but do you know why? It’s not for our betterment, they want us to lose our status as the minority. They are asking us to volunteer for oppression! No one willingly chooses oppression. The media sells us 6-pack abs as beautiful and powerful but they have it backwards. There is nothing more beautiful, more powerful than a 400-lb American. Have you ever tried to move a lumberjack out of your way? Seriously, immovable.

Understand something you magnificent fatties: you are the present and by God you are the future. While the media continues to bash and oppress, you should remember you are the reason we got a chicken sandwich for a buck. You are the reason ranch isn’t just a dressing anymore. It’s you, my brethren, you that dares to dream and you should never be ashamed of what you’ve accomplished. Believe in yourself again because I never stopped.

Participation Trophies Aren’t Evil

There are a lot of evils in the country. There are bad people and bad ideas and even worse bad people executing bad ideas, but participation trophies should land way down your radar.

The above was posted by a professional football player who needed to puff his chest and extend his bravado. He disagreed with the trophies so much that he took them from his children and returned them to the coaches. To do that and post the message he did is ridiculously short-sighted.

To argue what he is arguing, you have to be willing to say that these participation trophies do lead to a sense of entitlement. How many trophies do you have? Participation, MVPs, all-city selections, all of them. How many of those have you used to get a job? How about a new car? At best, you may have gotten an extra date. These trophies have ZERO value in the real world and cannot be traded in for a Fortune 500 gig or for a month off your mortgage. The value is 23¢ of plastic. Why are you assuming there is more to it than that? They WILL EARN EVERYTHING ELSE IN THEIR LIVES.

You are also going to assume the argument there is harm in the trophy. It’s a detriment to give a 7-year old a hunk of plastic for hanging out with his friends for a couple months. A lot of these kiddos are being pushed to play several more than a couple of months because of these types of parents that want their kid to make money and let them retire. I got a few of these trophies and wasn’t a MVP, but I played hard and had a good time. A participation trophy did nothing but sit on my dresser until it eventually made it’s way into the trash when I replaced it with better stuff. That’s what kids do. We move on. No kid stares at a participation and thinks “I made it” for very long. Heaven forbid a 9-year old kid has some smiles after spending many hours doing something they may or may not have enjoyed.

The argument also assumes that the trophy is the lesson in the season. It is not. Not even close. The lesson in the season is the teamwork, the camaraderie, the giving up of the self for a greater good. That not your needs are the most important, but the team comes first. There is a case to be argued that giving a kid MVP is a bigger assault to our futures than the participation trophies. There is the singling-out of one kid, above all of the others, to say to him “You did it better than anyone else, we must reward you. Not the team, you.”

It also assumes being the MVP is better of an award because it was earned. Perhaps, work with me here, you are faster and stronger than me because of your genetics. You may be four inches taller, hit a growth spurt later, twenty pounds heavier than your peers and that puts you right in line for all kinds of skewed “earned” numbers. Genetics, for the record, are not earned. It’s literally your lot in life.

Understand that these trophies are nothing more than a souvenir. Just like you and your family got to go to Disneyland and you got Mickey’s ears, it’s a physical symbol that “you were here”. Nothing more and nothing less.

MLB All Star Makeover

Hmm, let’s not be boring.
Author’s Note: Originally published July 8, 2012. Part of “Importing the Archives”.

I have always been a wide open supporter of America’s pastime. It wasn’t until I reached the age of criticism that I realized the many flaws that keeps this sport on the backside of interesting and the cusp of curmudgeonly yard protector.

There is a chance to make baseball more fun, interesting and alongside the process, fair. But ,to be fair, baseball is the slowest of any sport to accept change and unfortunately for them it’s not just change, it’s progress. That’s a fair reason this country and sport are considered to be so in tow with one another. Hockey changes when needed and doesn’t wait for a conference to decide a seemingly innate detail. Football dominates the land in viewership and does whatever it wants. Basketball is stubborn too, but nowhere near MLB. NBA is at least forward thinking with social media and replay.

The All-Star game, this year in Kansas City, is a fun event and has the chance to be even better. It’s a chance to see all of our favorite players in one spot having a good time in the middle of a grinding 162-game season. The game is an exhibition of MLB’s best and most popular for the fans. It is an exhibition. Therefore it should stay an exhibition. I could care less which league wins (American League) and just want to see my guys make a play, crack a smile and get back to the rest of the season healthy. Since when was it okay to reward a league, no matter their representative, home-field advantage in their championship series possibly despite win/loss record? How much does anyone think that “This Time It Counts” means “This Time I’ll Watch”?  No fair weather television viewer cares about that game counting. None.

Next, take it off Tuesday night television. Make it weekend viewing. Build a weekend around the Home Run Derby and the All-Star Game to build viewership and let that week end on Wednesday or Thursday. Give the teams and players a few days for travel, relaxation and roller coasters or whatever the host city has.

Home Run Derby. Kill it or add to it. Adjust the Derby night to a skills challenge with an abbreviated version of the home run contest with fewer rounds and/or outs. Skills to showcase? Let’s race from first to home, or how about pole to pole? What about a toss from the outfielder to a target behind the plate for accuracy? How about a subjective of best slide into home? Best home run trot? We don’t need a six hour event. Just a few.  A full scale derby already last twenty-seven hours. Scale it down, cut it in half then half again, and add some fun junk.

Let’s also get rid of this terrible trend of starting All-Star pitchers the Sunday before the All Star game so they don’t have to pitch in the Game. The season is more important so understand that. Ease that by releasing the game’s “necessity” to mean anything. What other sports does that?

Finally, let’s have fun. This sport and this particular game is all about the fans, the pageantry of the fan favorites and the kiddies. Let’s not lose sight of that.