I hope you didn’t fall into the well of bad resolutions this year. I hope you didn’t resolve to do the one thing you aren’t going to do nor should you even care to. I hope you didn’t cry out to the heavens that you were going to lose weight this year. None. Zero. Not even an ounce.
Fat is power. Fat is dominance. Fat is patriotism. The very fat you carry on your hips is the reason this country is great, was already great and will forever be great. This country was built on the gluttony of resources and thought. This country wasn’t built on the back of the emaciated thinkers. But we, you, are under attack.
Popular thought in media and medical science is that you should be thin, thinn-er or at least within the realms of what the establishment deems a “healthy” weight. a “healthy” weight? Who are these snowflakes to determine such a term as “health”? Health is what we epitomize. Do not forget that an enlarged pannus hiding one’s penus meant that you could afford such indulgences as milk, meat and mead. Now, what is deemed “healthy” is to take those monetary resources and spend it on overpriced blades of grass. Do not be fooled. What the liberal media considers “health” is a bastardization of the term.
Let us remind the citizenry of this country who is in charge. Allow me to bring back to earth the cross-fitting, water-chugging lettuce-munchers. Truth is, 68.5% of American adults are either overweight and obese. You know what that makes us? The majority and a powerful one in that. Do you know who makes the rules in a country that favors numbers? Us. The thick-hipped majority. It is the majority, my portly friends, that gets things done. We get leaders elected, legislation passed, and controls the direction of this fine United States. Our grand scale ideas are what built this country. We created double and triple cheeseburgers not for the rotundness of our thighs but for the American Dream. We chased the gluttony of the American Spirit and we bit in hard and to ask us not to enjoy the fruits (never vegetables) of our labor is to undermine the idea that separated us from the British, Communists and Vegans.
Some of this greatest minds this country has ever known were just like you and me. A wise and heavyset man once said, “Speak softly and carry a big stick”. His name is William Taft and he led this nation from it’s highest office with dignity and he was a great big fat person. He may have once gotten stuck in his bathtub but that doesn’t make him less great in fact, I’d argue that makes him even more great. Another great heavyweight discovered electricity. You may have heard of him and if you haven’t already spent it in the drive-thru, check the $100 bill in your sweatpants stuck to the loose chicken nugget from yesterday. It’s Benjamin, I’m the reason you can read this, Franklin. Yup, total chubber. Let’s also not forget a man who was once on the vanguard of space exploration. A truly great man who saw history where nothing was. A decade before JFK declared this country would land a man on the moon, he wanted nothing more than to see his wife be first in the space race. Jackie Gleason was a hero.
The limp-legged minority got their yogurt-scooping hands into our media and now want to dictate policy away from you. They want to preach their gospel of tae-bo, hot yoga and P90X. They want to remove us from the perch we have climbed by saying we will live longer and even happier if we buy into their green religion, but they don’t look happier at all. Their religion is a falsified cult and we should remember one thing: when we hear you yell kale too much, we stop listening.
We are not part of the ever-expanding fabric of America, we are the fabric. Realize the power you wield. When the underhanded “disenfranchised skinny” sets to regulate Mega Super Gulp sodas out of our children’s schools, guess what you can do? Super size it. You can pry this 72 oz. refillable gas station go-cup from our cold dead sausage-fingered hands! The elitist asparagus consumer wants us to lose weight but do you know why? It’s not for our betterment, they want us to lose our status as the minority. They are asking us to volunteer for oppression! No one willingly chooses oppression. The media sells us 6-pack abs as beautiful and powerful but they have it backwards. There is nothing more beautiful, more powerful than a 400-lb American. Have you ever tried to move a lumberjack out of your way? Seriously, immovable.
Understand something you magnificent fatties: you are the present and by God you are the future. While the media continues to bash and oppress, you should remember you are the reason we got a chicken sandwich for a buck. You are the reason ranch isn’t just a dressing anymore. It’s you, my brethren, you that dares to dream and you should never be ashamed of what you’ve accomplished. Believe in yourself again because I never stopped.